I feel uncomfortable in the space between the tried-and-true way something has been historically done, and the risk and uncertainty associated with finding a better way to do it…
The conversations about what is not working, knowledge of the outcomes that are not being achieved and the belief that there is a better way (that is often already being practiced or imagined by a small number of courageous souls) is exciting and full of possibility and potential… I am naturally drawn to what is on the horizon, the potential of a brighter future…
And it is unsettling and downright scary as I put at risk the “way I’ve always done it” and lean into something that is uncertain, unclear and without guarantee.
It is uncomfortable to both yearn for something better and deal with the private tension that not changing is often easier and less risky than changing… And yet I know, deep down in my bones and from my own life experiences, that much of what I enjoy today is because I took a risk to walk away from the past, took a risk to try something new and let go of something that wasn’t working based on a promise or a belief of a better, brighter more value/principle aligned future…
The phrase “the tension of the and” comes to mind in this uncomfortable space. Easy enough words to say, and yet, for me, uncomfortable to practice and bring to life both personally and professionally.
A mentor of mine reminds me that unless I now have elastic arms… I need to let go of what I am holding onto to reach what I’m trying to grab…
A crude analogy perhaps but the root of my discomfort is the uncertainty in the space between these two states… the known and the unknown.
The actions associated with change are uncomfortable.
And, knowing and sharing this does not make it any easier but it does make the journey more enjoyable.
It is more enjoyable because it is easier for me to articulate what is happening, easier to recognize and appreciate the feelings (my own and those around me), easier in some ways to craft and share the narrative of the why behind the change and the hope for a better future and easier to seek out support, advice and help from those around me as we journey forward and change.
I’m comfortable being uncomfortable.
Monday has become my favorite day of the week, in part because for so many others it looms like a dark cloud (the “Sunday blues”) and this saddens me. I want to engage in conversations and exchange about how exciting Monday can be with some reframes.
A blank slate upon which to write a new chapter.
A new week to appreciate and thank those that made a difference last week…
A chance to create new experiences and re-kindle old acquaintances.
A reminder that I am blessed, forgiven and a work in progress.
An opportunity to share a mind-set shift.
It’s been more than five years since I dipped my toe into the world of blogging when I wrote – “The Emperor is Naked! Taking risks to reduce risk…”
The title was a clumsy headline intended to grab your attention.
The point then is the same as it is today so here’s a reprise – Still Naked
The fear of speaking up and being vulnerable is getting in the way of delivering safe and effective healthcare. The fear of speaking up is paralyzing leaders and their teams.
Coming over that fear requires bravery and as my friend and mentor Steve Farber (author of the Radical Leap) would say, vulnerability:
“Vulnerability aids human connection, and connection is the conduit for energy. Pretense of invincibility builds walls and creates distance between human hearts.”
Time to close this distance. Time to speak up. Time to get naked…
My wife and I recently watched as our eldest child headed off to college for the first time, as he read this letter the night before he left he commented that these were good “life” reminders, I agreed, and so share the letter here:
August 28, 2015
My dear sweet Harrison,
I’ve noticed that the mornings stay darker a little later and that the evenings are drawing in, and I am reminded that this is nature’s nod to the fact that everything has a season, and that everything must end and begin again. Just as I know that the seasons change, I’ve known since the day we brought you home from the hospital, that this season of you being a daily constant in our home and our lives would end and that your new beginning, in college, would start.
The time has come my love – the freedom that has excited you and that you are so ready for is here, and yet this same freedom is one that I have very mixed emotions about.
I have both dreaded this moment and been incredibly excited for it.
I think I’ve privately dreaded this day since I first held you almost nineteen years ago. As a parent you learn the difficult lesson that raising children is in fact to embrace a love that is built on the reality of constantly having to let go of things, of constantly having to let go of you. Letting go of you as your learned to crawl, saying goodbye to your little clothes, dropping you off at pre-school, waving the bus goodbye, watching you go out with your friends, and watching you drive away from the house with your brand new license.
Your mom and I have also learned that the deep love that we have for you has changed us as people. You have added an indescribable richness to who we are as you have grown, challenged, tried, failed, argued, agreed, laughed, cried and blossomed as our “beautiful boy”
And so here we are, on the verge of this next chapter of your life, and as the page turns we are as excited to watch you embrace it, as you are likely to go grab it.
And yet I have this mix of stuff going on… I know you won’t be very far away, but emotionally I’m going to miss having my “little man” around. It’s going to hurt because I know we have to say goodbye to a chapter of our lives that is closing; leaving us with the memories, the mementos, the pictures and the stories; but it is over, it is done, it is closed, it is time.
While I will work hard not to cry tomorrow Harrison, you know me as well as anyone and you know that I’m proud of my emotions and share them unconditionally with you. I will work hard not to cry because this is an exciting happy time (the mix of stuff…) and yet as I write this I have become overwhelmed with tears and the desire to hold you so tightly, to remember all that we did together, the adventures we had, the plans we made and even the things that we never quite got to…
I remember you in the hospital in Beverly, hiding in the dryer in Manchester, building walls in Rockport, sailing up to Maine, treehouses in Amherst, snakes in the kitchen, tongues on lamp-posts, your bravery leaving Amherst, a wooden boat project in the backyard, running in Chicago, and fishing in Ipswich, and I remember laughing, crying, running, playing, learning and living with you as you grew up to be the college bound adult that stands before us, and I miss you Harrison. I miss you so very much.
Watching you learn and grow continues to be one of the greatest blessings and experiences of my life, so as I reflect back on all that you have given us, the lessons you have taught us and the example you will continue to be for all those blessed to be a part of your life, I wanted to share with you some guidance as you navigate this next chapter, some choices and some reminders…
Some choices – remember they’re exactly that, choices:
- Smiling OVER scowling
- Working for it OVER wishing for it
- Optimism OVER pessimism
- Owning it OVER making excuses, blaming others, complaining or gossiping
- Being kind OVER being unkind or rude
- Believing in your abilities OVER believing in your insecurities
- Hugs OVER handshakes
- Loving yourself OVER beating yourself up
- Being your own hero OVER waiting for a hero
- Doing what’s necessary OVER doing what’s easy
- Living for today OVER living for someday
- Being vulnerable OVER being perfect
- Living with purpose OVER sleepwalking through life
- Talking to people OVER talking about people
- Being happy OVER being right
- Have goals and review them
- Use logic and reason AND listen to your gut and your heart
- Admit when you’re wrong
- Praise others – privately and publicly
- Be appreciative – say “thank you”, even better, write “thank you”
- Ask for help, remember that you are a work in progress
- Love life and let it show – be honest with your emotions and bring them with you
- There are no limits to what you can do – remember: “if it is to be it is up to me”
- You are empowered – take a risk, speak up, be brave. It’s OK if your hands shake and your voice quivers. Be brave, speak your heart.
- Take time for you – rest, relax, restore, and exercise
- People and relationships are everything – stay in touch, reach out, lift others up, help people succeed, pick people up
- Be mindful and take action – if you see something, say or do something.
- Strive for purpose, find your passion. Do what you do with love, energy, audacity and proof
- Remember that the small things are the big things
- Above all, remember that you are a work in progress, you are blessed and you are forgiven.
Harrison – you will find your own guides, reflect on your own words of wisdom, and learn your own lessons (you already have many of them under your belt…) and I know you’ll be searching for your own answers along the way at Emmanuel, but please also know that if you ever need help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen, that I am always, always, always here for you.
What I have shared with you is what guides me. I work hard to live up to it every day, and every day I fall short, but that’s OK. Reaching out for advice, help and inspiration is not a sign of weakness my love, it is a sign of strength.
Time will slip by, the next chapter will end I suspect more quickly than the last.
This time is yours, you’ve earned it, give it as much as it will give you. And remember, as a wiser person than me once shared, “There is no grand prize at the end of your life, no all-expense paid trip to utopia. This is your final destination, this is your life. The prize is here, now, in every breath you take, every new friend you make, every kiss, every hug, every challenge, and every exciting piece of information you discover.”
Godspeed little man! Breathe it in, savor every sip, enjoy every moment! Oh the places you’ll go!
I love you,