My wife and I recently watched as our eldest child headed off to college for the first time, as he read this letter the night before he left he commented that these were good “life” reminders, I agreed, and so share the letter here:
August 28, 2015
My dear sweet Harrison,
I’ve noticed that the mornings stay darker a little later and that the evenings are drawing in, and I am reminded that this is nature’s nod to the fact that everything has a season, and that everything must end and begin again. Just as I know that the seasons change, I’ve known since the day we brought you home from the hospital, that this season of you being a daily constant in our home and our lives would end and that your new beginning, in college, would start.
The time has come my love – the freedom that has excited you and that you are so ready for is here, and yet this same freedom is one that I have very mixed emotions about.
I have both dreaded this moment and been incredibly excited for it.
I think I’ve privately dreaded this day since I first held you almost nineteen years ago. As a parent you learn the difficult lesson that raising children is in fact to embrace a love that is built on the reality of constantly having to let go of things, of constantly having to let go of you. Letting go of you as your learned to crawl, saying goodbye to your little clothes, dropping you off at pre-school, waving the bus goodbye, watching you go out with your friends, and watching you drive away from the house with your brand new license.
Your mom and I have also learned that the deep love that we have for you has changed us as people. You have added an indescribable richness to who we are as you have grown, challenged, tried, failed, argued, agreed, laughed, cried and blossomed as our “beautiful boy”
And so here we are, on the verge of this next chapter of your life, and as the page turns we are as excited to watch you embrace it, as you are likely to go grab it.
And yet I have this mix of stuff going on… I know you won’t be very far away, but emotionally I’m going to miss having my “little man” around. It’s going to hurt because I know we have to say goodbye to a chapter of our lives that is closing; leaving us with the memories, the mementos, the pictures and the stories; but it is over, it is done, it is closed, it is time.
While I will work hard not to cry tomorrow Harrison, you know me as well as anyone and you know that I’m proud of my emotions and share them unconditionally with you. I will work hard not to cry because this is an exciting happy time (the mix of stuff…) and yet as I write this I have become overwhelmed with tears and the desire to hold you so tightly, to remember all that we did together, the adventures we had, the plans we made and even the things that we never quite got to…
I remember you in the hospital in Beverly, hiding in the dryer in Manchester, building walls in Rockport, sailing up to Maine, treehouses in Amherst, snakes in the kitchen, tongues on lamp-posts, your bravery leaving Amherst, a wooden boat project in the backyard, running in Chicago, and fishing in Ipswich, and I remember laughing, crying, running, playing, learning and living with you as you grew up to be the college bound adult that stands before us, and I miss you Harrison. I miss you so very much.
Watching you learn and grow continues to be one of the greatest blessings and experiences of my life, so as I reflect back on all that you have given us, the lessons you have taught us and the example you will continue to be for all those blessed to be a part of your life, I wanted to share with you some guidance as you navigate this next chapter, some choices and some reminders…
Some choices – remember they’re exactly that, choices:
- Smiling OVER scowling
- Working for it OVER wishing for it
- Optimism OVER pessimism
- Owning it OVER making excuses, blaming others, complaining or gossiping
- Being kind OVER being unkind or rude
- Believing in your abilities OVER believing in your insecurities
- Hugs OVER handshakes
- Loving yourself OVER beating yourself up
- Being your own hero OVER waiting for a hero
- Doing what’s necessary OVER doing what’s easy
- Living for today OVER living for someday
- Being vulnerable OVER being perfect
- Living with purpose OVER sleepwalking through life
- Talking to people OVER talking about people
- Being happy OVER being right
- Have goals and review them
- Use logic and reason AND listen to your gut and your heart
- Admit when you’re wrong
- Praise others – privately and publicly
- Be appreciative – say “thank you”, even better, write “thank you”
- Ask for help, remember that you are a work in progress
- Love life and let it show – be honest with your emotions and bring them with you
- There are no limits to what you can do – remember: “if it is to be it is up to me”
- You are empowered – take a risk, speak up, be brave. It’s OK if your hands shake and your voice quivers. Be brave, speak your heart.
- Take time for you – rest, relax, restore, and exercise
- People and relationships are everything – stay in touch, reach out, lift others up, help people succeed, pick people up
- Be mindful and take action – if you see something, say or do something.
- Strive for purpose, find your passion. Do what you do with love, energy, audacity and proof
- Remember that the small things are the big things
- Above all, remember that you are a work in progress, you are blessed and you are forgiven.
Harrison – you will find your own guides, reflect on your own words of wisdom, and learn your own lessons (you already have many of them under your belt…) and I know you’ll be searching for your own answers along the way at Emmanuel, but please also know that if you ever need help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen, that I am always, always, always here for you.
What I have shared with you is what guides me. I work hard to live up to it every day, and every day I fall short, but that’s OK. Reaching out for advice, help and inspiration is not a sign of weakness my love, it is a sign of strength.
Time will slip by, the next chapter will end I suspect more quickly than the last.
This time is yours, you’ve earned it, give it as much as it will give you. And remember, as a wiser person than me once shared, “There is no grand prize at the end of your life, no all-expense paid trip to utopia. This is your final destination, this is your life. The prize is here, now, in every breath you take, every new friend you make, every kiss, every hug, every challenge, and every exciting piece of information you discover.”
Godspeed little man! Breathe it in, savor every sip, enjoy every moment! Oh the places you’ll go!
I love you,
Change and personal accountability in health and care!
Standing on the shoulders of the rebels, the crazy ones, the trouble makers and the boat rockers – these are the folks that I am blessed to call my friends and my colleagues; these are the people that push the envelope for change, that embrace the hard work and the ones I love!
Here’s to Colin Hung, Linda Galindo, Helen Bevan, Tracy Granzyk, Dave Mayer, Michael Bennick, Paul Westbrook, Paul Levy, Katy Schuler, Steve Farber, Jake Poore, Diana Christiansen, Jason Wolf, Coleen Sweeney, Carol Santalcuia, Jason Gottlieb, Chris McCarthy, Kip Durney, Jim Rawson, Debra Barrath, and many, many more.
Changing the culture of healthcare takes a village of the committed, personally accountable, energetic, loving and audacious. I love these change agents!
Please join us on March 24th 20:30 EST (8:30 pm) on Twitter for a tweetchat #hcldr
Last speaker of the day
Several years ago I found myself in the audience of a quality and safety conference at Harvard University. The last speaker of the day took the podium with little fanfare and no slides. What a welcome change…
With his very generous permission I’d like to share my memories and notes from that day, the lessons and leadership “keys” he shared then, ring true now, and continue to resonate with me.
And now for something completely different…
Mike Dowling is the President and CEO of the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Health System (NSLIJHS). Prior to becoming president and CEO on January 1, 2002, Dowling was the health system’s executive vice president and chief operating officer.
Mike served in New York State government for 12 years, including seven years as state director of Health, Education and Human Services and deputy secretary to former governor Mario Cuomo. He was also commissioner of the New York State Department of Social Services. Before his public service career, Dowling was a professor of social policy and assistant dean at the Fordham University Graduate School of Social Services and director of the Fordham campus in Westchester County.
Mike presented at the Eleventh Quality and Safety Colloquium (Cambridge MA – August 14-16, 2012) – my notes summarize his comments. Without any slides, Mike shared “7 Keys” to creating a “Premiere Healthcare Organization” by stating, “NSLIJ is not there yet, but we are on a journey toward this, and I’d like to share it with you…
Have a coherent idea of where you want to end up – a clear VISION
- Not just the “what” but the “why”
- You must be able to engage EVERYONE’S head and heart in the VISION – in the “why…”
Have a positive attitude
- Be optimistic and believe that it is possible – a “can do” attitude
- Be responsible for outcomes and model personal accountability – “if it is to be it is up to me”
Have a complete commitment to transformation
- Be ready to think differently – we CANNOT be risk averse
- Be open minded – healthcare is NOT unique – exceptional, high-quality organizations are NOT industry specific
Engage and develop EVERYONE
- Lead a continuous culture of learning
- Be mindful of who you hire, who you promote, who you let go
- Remember: People + Values + Behaviors = SUCCESS
- Use simulation
- Make a core part of your curriculum mandatory
- Break down silos and train people across disciplines
- Manage your board and medical staff
- Change how we do medical school training
Become deeply consumer focused
- Everyone you serve is more educated and informed than ever
- Expectations are constantly changing
- Constant communication of the “why” from #1
- Top down, bottom up, side to side
- Face to face, electronic, multi-media, print, etc. etc.
- You CANNOT over-communicate
Most of all – remember that:
- we do great work every day in healthcare!
- we have much to be proud of!
- we do make a difference!
Mike closed his remarks with the words of Sir Winston Churchill, “Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm…”
Thank you Mike, you continue to inspire and encourage!
An Impressive Group
Full disclosure here – this is a story about my son, this is the guy that pushed his father to run a marathon this past fall, this is my little boy that is growing up, and (if all goes to plan) is headed off to college this fall. This is his story and I have to admit, my wife and I are bursting with pride!
This is a story of love, commitment, leadership and humility.
Our son has been bitten by a bug so to speak. Not the bug of lethargy and complacency, that I think I feared might befall a high school senior, nor the bug of curfew breaking, and late night calls that could have accompanied a spirited, strong-willed eighteen year old. No, this is the bug of hard work, service, and a deep commitment to the welfare and happiness of others.
This however is not just his story, in fact, this is the remarkable part; this is the story of a group of high school aged “kids” that belong to the youth group at our church. Last summer, as they have in the past, this group gathered together (with support from the church and the community), to head to a place that was in need. Real need.
Fifteen strong, with adult chaperones, they boarded a flight to Glendora, Mississippi.
With each person’s luggage being kept to a minimum (carry-ons only), this allowed their checked bags to be filled with needed supplies: clothes, books, tools, dry foods and toys.
They committed to a deeply held belief that they are the accountable entities, and that if change was going to happen, they would have to act differently.
A Small Group
A small group of citizens, making a difference.
This, I figure, is living proof that Margaret Mead got it right when she stated “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”
These children left their hometown of Ipswich, MA with a view of the world that likely didn’t stray far from three square meals a day, a warm bed at night, a school packed with supplies and resources, and summer vacations spent at the local beach.
They came home changed.
They came home sad, thoughtful, melancholy, inspired, committed and well and truly changed for the better.
They came home believing that with privilege comes responsibility, they came home with a strong commitment to want to use their talents to help those with less, they came home committed to go back!
This is a community with very few of the amenities and services that we take for granted. This is a community where the median household income is about $17,000 a year. Many of the children of Glendora found it difficult to believe that these 17 and 18 year olds were not parents and had not yet been incarcerated.
As our son told me, “Dad, I need to work with these people, alongside them, so that we learn from each other and share what we can. We have so much to share Dad, I don’t need all this, and I have to give back…”
This group spent a week building playgrounds, setting-up a library for local children, and crafted a summer camp curriculum that lives on. They spent their down-time walking the one-road town picking up trash, they cleaned up a neighborhood that remains grateful to this day.
They are living proof that change only happens when we embody it, act differently, and lead by example.
So this is their story, and they want to go back and do more. They believe in the power of a small group of committed citizens. They do not have the resources from their church or town and yet they remain committed to going back to their friends in Glendora, who believe in them.
I believe in them, we believe in our son.
Thank you for considering and supporting their efforts to raise funds for this trip. Herewith a link to their story and their fund raising effort.
Culture and Love – a story from 2014
As 2014 drew to a close last week many a news outlet spent time reflecting back on the highs and the lows of the past year. Whether framed as a “top 10 list” or presented more as the best and the worst, here in northeastern Massachusetts one particular story caught my ear.
This was the Market Basket Story, a tale of unparalleled employee unity and pride, and living proof that a small group of committed people can in fact make a difference.
If you’re unfamiliar with this particular tale, there was a real cast of characters; long-time feuding, wealthy family members, unfairly (some would argue) fired senior executives, passionate, committed employees, and deeply loyal customers.
Bottom line: local grocery-store chain CEO fired by cousin (hate each other) board member, employees (loyal is an understatement) outraged and walk off the job, stand-off ensues, employees rally for the fired CEO to be reinstated, customers stay away at the request of employees (and there are no supplies on the shelves) and eventually the fired CEO buys enough shares to take control of the company and is reinstated – celebrations all around and bonus checks for employees!
The news story that I heard a few days ago was celebrating the fact that the entire body of employees has been recognized as the Boston Globe’s “2014 Business Person of the Year”, and reflecting on the leadership of Arthur T. Demoulas, the reinstated CEO, making the statement “… he was reinstated along with his culture of generosity, kindness and caring.”
I love this statement! His Culture!
Think about the words, his culture. This is not an abstract, difficult to grasp concept – this is his, the way he leads, the way he works.
In our work to improve safety in healthcare the word ‘culture’ gets tossed around all too easily. It’s easy to blame the culture, almost as if doing so excuses the behavior. It rolls off the tongue as part of our standard vernacular, and is often the response to much of what ails us:
Q: “Why are some of your operating rooms using surgical checklists and others not?”
A: “That’s just the way we do things here, it’s our culture…”
Q: “What stopped you from speaking up when you saw your senior colleague acting in that rude, disrespectful manner?”
A: “That’s the culture on this team, keep your mouth shut and your head down…”
It strikes me that we cite or state culture as the root-cause of the problem because it creates the impression that fixing or changing it is nigh on impossible. That to tackle, change or create a new culture is a myth so complicated that we best not even try…
The Market Basket story annihilates this myth.
Health and care leaders listen up
Culture is the way we act as leaders. It is the tone we set, the expectations we communicate, and the behavior, language and performance that we tolerate.
Culture is the way we (you and I) do things. Do you want a communicative, fair, safe culture? Then communicate openly about the good, the bad and the ugly. Be fair with the people that choose to work in your organization, and with the way you make decisions (don’t interpret as treating everyone the same…), and model an environment where speaking up about your mistakes and owning them is celebrated not frowned upon.
Remember, if it is to be it is up to me.
“His culture of generosity, caring and kindness.” The reporter goes on to interview Arthur T. (reinstated CEO) and he describes some additional tenets by which he runs his company, with fairness, justice, and connection to the human soul.
They’re running supermarkets people, and he’s talking about connecting to the human soul…
He nails it when he shares that the secret to this incredible story is to remember that they are, “… in the people business first, and the food business second.”
Health and care safety in 2015
People business first, medicine business second.
People is where our focus needs to be. Caring and healing our patients and their families, absolutely, it’s the calling that many of us responded to that finds us doing the work we do. But it needs to be more than this…
I propose that in 2015 we need our focus to be more on the people that provide this care – as leaders we need to make these people ‘the business that we are in.’ They will take care of their patients.
Commit to being in the people business first. The care givers; the nurses, the technicians, the physicians, the patient care attendants, the unit secretaries, the managers, the supervisors, the housekeepers, the pharmacists, the social workers and each other.
Provide the generosity, kindness, love, fairness and justice that connects them to their purpose, reminds them of their calling, and creates a safe environment for them to deliver the best care possible.
The reporter for the piece on Market Basket closed out the segment by suggesting that the Market Basket employee’s actions have presented other companies throughout the Commonwealth and around the world with a challenge of sorts – loyalty is one thing, these folks though clearly love where they work, and who they work for…
From loyalty to love!
Perhaps for 2016…